Warts and all
by slytherinsal
Summary: In which a smart!Vernon figures out that he and Petunia are being manipulated to resent Harry, and decide to do all they can to teach him everything they can about the wizarding world. Petunia enlists Lily's old friend, Severus Snape, and when the Marauders come on board they love the biggest prank on Dumbledore ever.


**Warts and all**

Petunia silently passed the letter from Dumbledore to her husband Vernon as she picked up the green-eyed baby from the basket in which he had been left on the doorstep. Vernon started to go purple, then he frowned, smoothed out the paper, and read it again. He got a pencil, sat down at the table, and started underlining things.

"Dear?" said Petunia.

"Pet, my love, you remember how much I complained that Grunnings sent me on a course of psychology for business managers?"

"Yes..." Petunia looked confused.

"They may just have saved your nephew's life and our sanity."

"Vernon?"

"This arrogant piece of shit, Dumbledore, has written this letter in such a way that [a]we will feel we have no choice but to take in, er, Harry; and [b] to make us resentful about it. Why does he want to provoke feelings that the boy should be treated as second to our Dudley and worked for his living because we didn't really want him?"

Petunia sat down heavily.

"I don't know," she said. "But Lily wrote to me that they were going under a special protection the headmaster, that's Dumbledore, had recommended. Doesn't sound as though he knows what he's doing if Lily is dead." A tear trickled down her face.

"I was coming home and a heap of weirdoes kept stopping me and telling me that it was great that Harry Potter had defeated the Dark Lord; bunkum, when does a baby of 15 months kill a ... a magical terrorist? It was something in the setup. Crumblemaw or whatever his name is set your sister up to be killed, and her son as an experiment, I bet."

Petunia gave a shriek.

"So the wards he speaks of here are no good?"

"Quite possibly. And he wants him downtrodden. Hey, maybe he set your sister and the bastard she married up as a trap, meaning to come out as a glorious rescuer and something Lily did made the first evil wanker die, and the second evil wanker wants Harry downtrodden so evil wanker 2 gets all the glory."

"I never did like him for the patronising letter he sent me. What are we going to do?"

"Raise Harry as our second son and make sure he knows all about his heritance, and get our revenge on the wizards that way."

"Raising him as a weapon makes us no better than Dumbledore."

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant, we'll make an effort to love him, and we will tell him everything about who he is and why he's here. Lily didn't have it all easy, did she? He needs to know about the Wizarding world warts and all."

"We don't know everything about who he is."

"You went to some bookshop with Lily, right?"

"Yes, but I'm not sure where it is ..."

"I have a couple of ideas. Break out the sherry and spike it well with brandy. I'm going to go out and catch me a wizard or two to celebrate the downfall of evil wanker 1."

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It was not hard to find a couple of already inebriated celebrating wizards agog to meet Harry Potter in person, and to drink his health. Vernon _hated_ the idea of having beardy-weirdies in dresses in his house, but at least around Halloween, he could pass them off to the neighbours as some old friends who had been to a costume party and celebrated too hard whom he had to give time of day to.

They were very forthcoming about the wizarding world, and Petunia slipped an emetic into the drink of the one who referred to Lily as a 'mudblood who redeemed her blood in birthing the saviour of wizarding kind.'

Petunia and Vernon learned more than they might have liked; but no more than they needed. They had the address of Diagon Alley, and Vernon thoughtfully drove several semi-conscious wizards, one of whom was starting to smell, to the local police station and left them on the doorstep to be dried up in the cells.

It occurred to Vernon that the wizards had got the news mighty fast. They all said that Dumbledore had spread the news that You-Know-Who, a stupid name, had been defeated. Vernon found this most suspicious.

When he returned, he said,

"That creepy little friend of your sister – Septimus Snake. What became of him?"

"Severus Snape. I don't know, as far as I know he still lives in the crummier parts of Manchester where we came from."

"The wizarding world hadn't treated him and his parents so good. But he was born to a witch, right? So maybe he'd be grateful for a bit of financial help, we can make it a loan for his pride, in return for some insights. Maybe hire him as a tutor for both the boys."

Petunia hummed in indecision. Snape had never been very nice to her.

But then, she had never been very nice to him.

"I don't fancy you driving all that way, love," she said.

"We're taking the train; I'm not driving all that way, even if you take a turn, with two babies," said Vernon. "At least we can change stinky little bottoms on the train, and get a carriage to ourselves by doing so."

Petunia gave a shaky laugh. There were taxis, and they could stay in a hotel; Grunnings paid well.

"What about time off?"

"I'll phone in and say I need a week's compassionate leave as my sister in law died, and we've been left her son. Pet, how the hell do we square this with the authorities?"

"We cut the letter short, after the piece about Lily and James being dead, and leaving us their son. We go to the police and explain that my sister ran off with a traveller, and this is their son, and some of their idiot friends left him on the doorstep, as they presumably died in the commission of a crime, stealing copper from a sub-station or something. We ask about how to register him, as we've been given no birth certificate, and if need be, we will have to shell out for a DNA test. I know they are dear, but it might be necessary. And then we formally adopt him."

"I'll need the week off for the paperwork. Excellent way to explain why there is none; these wizards don't seem to have an ounce of common sense."

"I don't recall any of the ones Lily talked about having an ounce of common sense," said Petunia, dryly. "Except, and I hate to admit it, Severus."

"Fine. Get an overnight bag packed, Pet; I'll put the boys to bed, and tomorrow we will head for Manchester the moment I've phoned in our troubles."

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Severus Snape was usually a cautious man, but he realised he could not have locked the door to his house in Spinner's End when his firewhisky glass was forcibly taken from his hands and the contents were thrown into the fire, which flared angrily.

He looked up into the last face on earth he expected to see.

Petunia Dursley plonked a baby onto his protesting lap. A baby with Lily's eyes and a nasty scar that made his arm ache. He gasped.

"Severus Snape, are you going to become a no-good drunken bum like your worthless father, or were you truly fond enough of Lily to see that her son grows up safely?"

Severus gaped.

"I ... I can't look after a baby," he mumbled.

"No, of course you can't, you can scarcely look after yourself," said Petunia. "But will you help Vernon and me?"

Severus sat back in shock, suddenly sobering.

"He was supposed to go to Frank and Alice first," he said.

"Well, he was left on our doorstep like a bottle of milk," said Petunia. "And Vernon has some theories that Lily and that husband of hers were set up by Dumbledore in some bizarre plot."

Severus blinked several times.

A bell rang.

Severus thrust the baby at Petunia.

"All of you, in the kitchen, fast," he said.

They did as he said, as the flames in the fireplace turned green.

The face of Dumbledore appeared; which the Dursleys did not see, but they heard his voice.

"Ah, Severus! Lily and James may have died, but little Harry survived, and I am going to need your help."

"Let me grieve, old man," Severus did a good impression of being as drunk as he had been before Petunia got at him.

"Now, Severus, it is not a time to get drunk. Voldemort is not dead, merely banished and a time will come when I need you to spy again. In the meantime I am letting Horace retire and giving you his job as potions master and head of Slytherin House, so that you will be well established by the time Harry gets to school. And I will want you to remember that however much he looks like James, he is Lily's son too."

Severus picked up the half bottle of firewhisky and threw it with unerring accuracy through the flames. The sounds of explosions and yells were audible before the connection was cut. Severus swore long and fluently and with suggestions about Dumbledore's pedigree which would take a lot of physical ingenuity to accomplish.

Petunia came forward.

"Not that I don't agree with your sentiments, because I do, but there are children present."

"Sorry," muttered Severus.

Vernon came forward too.

"I don't suppose you wizards are trained to analyse words, but the way he put the fact that Harry looks like that git of a father of his but is still Lily's son seems to me to be a manipulation to start you resenting and disliking a child who lived when his mother died," he said.

Severus stared, and went vacant-eyed for a moment, using his occlumency to replay the conversation.

"A muggle field of study I appear to have missed out on," he said in a soft, dangerous voice. "I appear to have been played. I don't like that."

"We didn't like being played either," said Petunia. "And knowing you loved Lily, we thought we'd see if we could enlist you as an ally."

"Are you manipulating me as well?"

"Of course I am; I'm a mother, and an aunt."

Severus considered.

"Well, you are the first person to admit to manipulating me. I'm with you. Though if I go against Dumbledore, he'll have me in gaol for having been stupid enough to take the Dark Lord's mark."

"Why did you do that?" asked Vernon.

"I was bullied through school by James bloody Potter and his friends. When Lily married him, my life fell apart. I was offered the chance to be appreciated for my skills as a potioneer. It was good at first, but the potions I was asked to make were increasingly ... disturbing. Then I heard part of a prophecy given to Albus – Dumbledore, that is - and thinking it ridiculous took it to the Dark Lord. He took it seriously, and that is why he targeted Harry. It could have referred to ... excuse me."

He ran to the fireplace and threw in floo powder.

"Longbottom Manor!" he called.

A man appeared in the flames.

"Severus?" he did not sound cordial.

"Frank, I have reason to believe that the Mighty Dumbledore made a miscalculation which led to the deaths of James and Lily. You and I are not exactly friends, but for Neville's sake, increase the wards, or go away somewhere, and get voice-activated portkeys. Some of Voldemort's less stable elements are likely to want to know what happened; and you were a target too. "

The head in the flames looked at him with narrowed eyes.

Then it nodded.

"I believe you, Severus. You haven't made a suggestion about where to go instead."

"I don't want to know where you might go instead," said Severus. The floo flames flared and died.

"I think telephones are more convenient, personally," said Petunia. "You have smuts on your nose, Severus."

"The least of my worries. Fine, those two are warned. I dare not suggest they have also been set up; Frank worships the ground Dumbledore walks on, and if you hadn't pointed out that manipulation of me, , I'd have been trying to explain it away as well, however angry he briefly made me by his seeming callous disregard for the lives of two of his most trusting followers. It makes me wonder whether he knew that Harry's Dogfather was a traitor."

"Dogfather?" asked Petunia.

"Sirius Black is Harry's godfather, but he's also a dog animagus."

"What is that, precisely?"

"An animagus is someone who can take on the form of an animal, one which best suits his or her personality."

Vernon was frowning.

"Don't you wizards take vows and things pretty seriously?" he said.

"Yes, we do."

"So if he promised to be a godfather, and his form reflects his personality, aren't dogs faithful? Why would he be a traitor?"

Severus regarded him with narrowed eyes.

"I wish you'd been a wizard, in Slytherin house with me, Dursley," he said. "I'm beginning to have a lot of respect for your intellect."

"More business savvy and raw cunning than intellect," said Vernon. "But I don't like people who mess with my head, and if Dumbledore told me Sirius Black was a traitor, I'd look further. If he told me the sun rose in the East, I'd look further."

"I hate Sirius Black," said Severus. "But it might be extremely handy for him to owe a life debt to me, to call in for Harry."

"A big thing?"

"Yes; I owed one to Potter, which I know owe to Harry, when Sirius tried to feed me to the werewolf," said Severus, almost spitting. "I'd do what I could for Harry even without my feelings for Lily because I am obligated. Because of Lily, that means I can be more willing."

"Werewolves are real?"

"Yes; the reason that group became Animagi was to sport with Remus Lupin at full moon, the fools, instead of leaving him in safety and confinement. Black tricked me into going into the place he went to change; Potter came after me, and used his form to hold him back. Black would have got his friend executed if it had come out, but as it was, I was punished and made to swear silence about it in school while the Marauders went scot free. Dumbledore always favoured them, and made it clear all Slytherin were second class citizens to him."

"Well, I did call him Evil Wanker 2," said Vernon. "The way I see this Moldywarp and Dumbledore is like two industrialists competing for the same market and the same real estate. One uses dodgy methods – sweat shop workers, leg-breakers to discourage unionists, polluting methods. The other is squeaky clean on the surface but he uses guilt, blackmail, and favours which are no real favours – like buying out a parcel of land where the workers live and kindly permitting them to stay there with only the most minor rise in rent."

Severus laughed bitterly.

"The two most powerful men in the wizarding world summed up accurately by a muggle."

"I don't understand magic, er, Severus, but I do understand people."

"You do, Vernon, you do."

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Neither Vernon nor Petunia could truthfully say they enjoyed side-along apparation, but it was more convenient than taking the train back to Surrey. They sorted out the nappies of the boys, who had expressed their own discomfort by retaliating in the only way they could, while Severus examined the wards.

He came in.

"Well, you might have more protection if you put up a sign saying 'beware of the teeny tiny kitten' but I wouldn't want to rely on these so-called blood wards," he said. "If you had not decided to accept Harry, they would scarcely work at all. I think they are a trap for the Dark Lord, if he does return as Albus seems to think he will. They are also going to prevent you from having any more children of your own."

"What?" squealed Petunia.

Vernon opened his mouth, then took one look at his wife, and shut it again.

"Wise move; she already ticked me off," said Severus.

"How dare he take a decision like that without consulting us?" cried Petunia.

"Because he thinks he is the greatest arbiter of what is best for everyone, you can read that in everything he says and does that we have seen to date, and in what those drunken wizards said," said Vernon.

"We can address the wards later," said Severus. "The infertility should not become permanent for some years. Let me see what has been done to Harry."

Several diagnostic spells later, he spoke up.

"The scar is dark curse magic and it's related to my dark mark. I think we might be able to pay a goblin curse breaker to remove both at once because of their relation. James was stinking rich; payment to remove his son's scar would probably mean they'd crack open his main vault. I, however, am poor, because I was just establishing myself as an apothecary."

"I'll pay for your mark removal as payment for your help tutoring both boys, in case Dudley catches magic too, and so at least he's not as much at sea and scared as we are," said Vernon. "I'll also invest in your apothecary business if we can get you free of the mark and out from under the heel of Dumbledore."

Severus regarded him.

"It takes a big man to admit to fear," he said. "I accept the offer; it's a fair one. And there is no reason that Dudley cannot learn runes and arithmancy to help with warding and spellcasting, and he might even get magic out of the proper use of runes even if he doesn't carry enough to use a wand."

"Why wasn't I told that?" asked Petunia.

"Because Dumbledore is too arrogant to consider it," said Severus. "We'll make a trip to Diagon Alley, and talk to the goblins, and get you books on wizarding customs, etiquette, forms of address, goblins, fantastic beasts and wizarding law. We'll get you robes for visiting the Alley so you don't stand out the way the, er, weirdos stand out in your world. I'll help you rear both boys to be capable of impressing a Noble and Ancient House as a Potter and his family should be reared. And armed with knowledge of the law, he can take his place in the wizengamot and quietly cause a revolution to get rid of pure blood prejudice so that muggleborn like Lily don't suffer discrimination. That was more or less what you had in mind, wasn't it?"

"Something like that; I'm not sure," said Vernon. "I want revenge but I don't know enough yet to know how to enact it."

Severus nodded.

"Better to act slowly and with knowledge than to rush in. I suspect that sooner or later, Lily would have found herself marginalised and poor; because for all his infatuation, James Potter was a pure blood and he had to suffer whispers about marrying a muggleborn girl, mudblood as they would say, and sooner or later I am certain it would have irked him. And whether he started messing around with other women, or lost his temper because she made a social faux pas he hadn't prepared her for, I think she'd have found herself divorced, and because she was a mudblood, she would obviously have been in the wrong, and he would have had custody of any of their children, taught to despise their mother."

"That's horrible! The one thing we comforted ourselves with, when James was so awful to us at the wedding, was that at least he loved Lily," said Petunia. Vernon grunted and caught Severus' eye. He had never though James loved Lily, but treated the beautiful girl as a trophy wife. He did not say so out loud.

"James was shallow," shrugged Severus. "Even the so-called light families, castigated by the dark families as 'mudblood lovers' tend to treat muggleborn and half-bloods as though they are a bit stupid, but amusing pets to keep around because isn't it cute that the little darlings can manage some magic."

"It's going to change," said Vernon, grimly. "Will you teach me runes and ... arithmancy? I'm good at maths, if that's any help."

"It's a lot of help. Yes, I will," said Severus. "The other thing on Harry is the mail wards. Now I can see that you wouldn't want to be pestered by the fan mail people will doubtless send to the poor brat, as though he knew what happened, and the odd trapped deadly toy sent to him from people like Bellatrix Black-Lestrange who is as warped as they come, but the goblins would not be pleased, when he reaches eleven, if he isn't acknowledging their statements of accounts. And much as I fear the werewolf, he was a friend of James and Lily, and having him blocked specifically from writing is plain wrong. I hope you agree?"

"I do," said Petunia, grimly. "Harry needs to make up his own mind, knowingly, whether to trust this werewolf or not. Can you remove the wards?"

"I can, but I think it would be better for the goblins to see them, and let them get irritated with Dumbledore," said Severus. "You can use his trust fund to pay them to divert ordinary mail to a vault, remove any cursed items from his mail, and employ a squib, someone born without magic, as a secretary to go through everything else and answer it with a pretty thank-you, and pass on any harmless toys. Any sweets, I will test myself for poison. Goblins for curses; me for poisons. Each to their special field."

Petunia nodded.

"A trip to see the goblins is necessary. But I think we need to sort out registering him in our world first, and I'm scared of what will happen."

"Leave that to me. I know enough to insert records, and memories if need be, to make sure he exists in your world. Dumbledore might already have had someone do it, though I suspect he may just be relying on being able to turn up and modify memories."

"Can he do that? Is he likely to do so?" asked Vernon.

"Yes he can and yes he might, which is why we aren't touching those wards," said Severus. "He will be monitoring them – the way he must have been monitoring the cottage in Godric's Hollow. Petunia, we need to consider you blood-adopting me as your brother. It might awaken some magic in you, it might not, but it would give you a magical relative who has better claim as magical guardian than Dumbledore, or when he's tried and released, a stupid, shallow mutt like Sirius Black. They would not consider a werewolf at all, and Pettigrew ..." he frowned. "Pettigrew was, or is, maybe, a rat animagus. Black is supposed to have killed him, as well as betraying the Potters. And he might have killed him. I don't know any details. But I wouldn't trust my second best cauldron with any of them, never mind a child. Frank and Alice would be good parents, but I think if you wish to retain custody of Harry, they will not argue, so long as Harry gets to see his godbrother, Neville. There might be other families wanting to take him, but it would be for the political leverage."

"I didn't want him at first but I'll be damned if I let anyone use my wife's flesh and blood as a sodding pawn," said Vernon.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Vernon looked around Gringotts and marched over to the goblin seated at a desk in the corner, rather than approaching a teller. Severus frowned in confusion. He had taken just Vernon and Harry for the time being. They would get robes on the way out.

"You're a supervisor and I don't want to waste your time or mine," said Vernon. "I apologise if I offend any customs, because I've not had time to learn them yet, and I hate insulting anyone accidentally. But I have just become the guardian of Harry Potter and certain matters like having his Gringotts mail redirected, and a cursed scar in his head has prompted me to come here to the people who understand curses."

The goblin grinned.

"You don't mind insulting people deliberately, muggle?"

"Not if I think it's called for, goblin, and my name is Vernon Dursley."

"My name is Festrek, Mr. Dursley, and I think we understand each other."

"I think we do, Festrek."

"How do you know Mr. Potter's mail is being misdirected?"

"Because my wife's wizarding friend, Mr. Snape, has told us so, but he felt that it would be better to review our options with you than for them to simply be removed," said Vernon.

Festrek regarded Severus.

"You think Dumbledore did it?" he asked Severus.

"I do," said Severus.

"And you hoped to irritate the Goblin Nation enough to stop him removing monies from Mr. Potter's accounts?"

"I believe in alliances against mutual irritants," said Severus. "When you have grit in your eye, you ask a healer to get it out rather than rubbing ineffectually against it yourself, or leaving it in the hope that an eye miraculously becomes an oyster and turns it into a pearl."

"Oh, very nicely put, Mr. Snape. Perhaps you and Mr. Dursley would like to come through? It might take me a while, but I believe Ragnok may wish to speak to you about this."

It was not long before the two men were joined by a large, well-dressed goblin.

Vernon rose and bowed, stiffly. Severus followed suit.

"A polite wizard and muggle?" Ragnok was surprised.

"Sir, I don't know the proper form of address to you, but I have read my sister-in-law's history books, and it's my belief that Goblins have been treated as badly as muggleborn," said Vernon.

"That's true enough," said Ragnok. "My people call me 'Lord Ragnok'."

"Then we'd be foolish not to do the same, my lord," said Vernon. "I am still trying to learn about the wizarding world."

"I'd say you'd grasped a lot of essentials," said Ragnok, dryly. "So this is Mr. Potter, supposed to have defeated Tom Marvolo Riddle, otherwise known as Voldemort?"

Severus gasped.

"Is that his real name, my lord?" he asked.

"It is, and unlike my title, his is spurious," said Ragnok. "But he persuaded purebloods to call him 'lord'."

"Dumbledore doesn't think he's dead," said Severus. "And though I am now taking every statement of his with a pinch of salt, I presume he has reason."

"You bear the mark."

"Yes. I want rid of it, and we hoped that using it would help you lever out whatever is in Harry. I think it may be a soul fragment," Severus whispered. "I have some skill as a curse breaker."

Ragnok's dark eyes flickered.

"That is evil magic indeed," he said. "And the boy is the reason that Riddle still lives?"

"I have a very bad feeling about this, and I suspect that if that was true, Dumbledore would have found a way to slay him, even if only by leaving him to die of natural causes," said Severus. "If what I suspect is true, I think there are more."

Ragnok grunted, and held out his arms for Harry. Vernon placed the baby in his arms, and Ragnok's eyes softened.

"The goblin nation will remember that act of unreserved trust," he said. "Ah, yes, the mail wards. What do you want done about them?" Vernon nodded to Severus, who laid out his suggestions again.

"It will be so," said Ragnok. "Have you any squib in mind?"

"No, my lord, I think we are happy for you to use the opportunity to do someone a favour," said Severus.

Ragnok chuckled. It sounded like gravel being poured into a tin bucket.

"And then I will owe you a favour in return. Very clever, Mr. Snape. I believe I'm going to enjoy doing business with Mr. Potter's proxies."

"We were thinking of adopting him and letting him use our name; is that a problem, my lord?" asked Vernon.

"So long as 'Potter' remains part of his name, no. Even so, it is his blood that counts. Very well, the mail wards I will sort out here and now; I will bill the Potter estate for the setting up of a vault, and paying a cursebreaker to handle any unpleasant mail. Named senders will not have their mail diverted; have you anyone you wish to add?"

"Sirius Black, when the trial has cleared him, Remus Lupin, the Longbottom family," said Vernon. "Can you think of any others?"

"The Greengrasse family were on the verge of suggesting an alliance with the Potter family," said Ragnok. "They have a daughter and might be considering suggesting a betrothal."

"A betrothal? At Harry's age?"

"Wizards are notoriously backward," said Ragnok. "But betrothals can be arranged to be dissolved if either party do not like the idea when they are grown, with or without penalty clauses, and are seen as protections to both children. It would automatically make Lord Greengrasse the magical guardian of your nephew and of your family, and forgive me, if you hoped to have an ex Death-Eater as such, Mr. Snape, even without the mark, you will find much opposition to it. And as Supreme Mugwump, Dumbledore will be leading that opposition. There would be less opposition to it being Lord Black, but even so ..."

Severus and Vernon exchanged a look.

"Theodore Greengrasse was a determined neutral when I was at school," said Severus. "He would not bow to the Dark Lord, but he traded his family's safety for not joining the Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore's vigilante group."

"Is he trustworthy?" asked Vernon.

"He's honourable, which goes further," said Severus. "No rush, but we can certainly sound him out. Thank you for that information, Lord Ragnok."

"You are welcome. I would like to see societal change as well," said Ragnok.

Severus narrowed his eyes.

"Are you using legilimensy?" he asked.

"No but I am a good body reader, and I am watching with pleasure some careful moves against Dumbledore. Do you wish to invoke the Right of Conquest law regarding Riddle's account?"

"I beg your pardon?" asked Vernon.

"When a line is ended by a wizarding duel, the victor has the right to the spoils. Harry Potter is acknowledged publicly to have defeated Tom Riddle. This would give him the right to claim Tom Riddle's vault as his own, and his properties, including several of those owned by Tom Riddle senior in the muggle world. Tom Riddle junior proved heritance to claim them."

"Mr. Potter will most certainly be claiming right of conquest," said Vernon. "If the blighter is coming back, being deprived of his campaign funds should put a crimp in his plans for world domination. Has Dumbledore robbed the Potter vault blind?"

"No, but there have been more funds removed to fund the Order of the Singed Chicken than is prudent and the vault is depleted."

"Very well; put the fund manager on a bonus of half as much again as he currently gets for gaining profit, to build it up again, and he can invest freely in the muggle world as well," said Vernon. "I'm not used to magic, but on financial ground, I'm solid. Set up a new vault to transfer Riddle's money into, and withdraw all monies from any Potter vaults either into that vault, or into another so that even if that idiot Potter gave Dumbledore whatever access codes you require, he can't touch a thing. The trust fund, also move it or rename it please. I can care for my nephew without having to touch any of his money, so whatever it takes to tie it up securely, please do so."

"I like doing business with a man whose middle name is 'paranoia'," said Ragnok. "Now, Mr. Snape; had you a name for the abomination in this sweet child's head?"

"I fear the name might be 'horcrux', my lord," said Severus. "Vernon, such a thing can only be created by ripping the soul, by a deliberate act of murder. If, as I suspect, the Dark Lord has made several, it is no wonder that his grasp on reality was becoming tenuous."

"Once your mark is out, and the horcrux in the boy's head we can track others," said Ragnok. "Such things are against nature and the goblin nation will give our time free to find others."

"You are generous, Lord Ragnok," said Severus.

"I am a pragmatist and I know what rule by Voldemort would mean to goblins," said Ragnok.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It took a few weeks of research for the goblins to be able to remove both dark mark and horcrux; and they brought in an employee in the curse breaking department of Gringotts, Mumbai who was a parselmouth.

Meanwhile, Frank and Alice Longbottom beat off an attack, killing Barty Crouch jr, and the Lestrange brothers; Bella Black-Lestrange vanished. And Frank was more than willing to discuss how light Dumbledore really was nowadays when the headmaster had been amazed, and apparently even disappointed, that they had managed to come through an attack and had had the effrontery to increase the wards he had suggested. A secret alliance with the Greengrasse family led to loose betrothal agreements between Harry and Daphne, and Neville and Astoria. These were to be signed and filed when the young couples started school and not before.

"And Dumbledore will look disappointed and will say something about the family not being exactly _dark,_ but that they are Slytherin, I wager," said Vernon.

"I wouldn't say you're wrong, Vernon," said Severus. Severus had agreed to go to teach at Hogwarts, to allay Dumbledore's suspicions but he had set up his apothecary business first, in partnership with Vernon, and taught Petunia how to make simple potions. Her education, along with that of the boys, continued in Severus' times off. They paid for a shopkeeper.

Sirius had, with some help from Frank, been finally given a trial, and was happy to defy Dumbledore in seeing Harry as often as he wanted. He was not happy to owe a life debt to Severus and Vernon, but he was shrewd enough to see that it was about Harry. The description he gave of how Dumbledore knew to send Hagrid for Harry, and how Dumbledore had cheerfully told everyone that Sirius was the secret keeper destroyed the animagus' trust in the old man. It took longer to erode Remus, trust, but Severus found a way. He said,

"Look, Lupin, we can show how Dumbledore set up your pack members to be killed so that the old magics he taught to Lily would destroy Voldemort's form, and if Harry was lucky he might survive it. We can show how he has further set up Harry to be expected to be a cowed pawn. And by letting Hagrid virtually encourage Black to go after Pettigrew he more or less guaranteed he would get himself arrested, and then all there was to do was to claim that Black was the secret keeper. Sure he let you come to school. How many other werewolves got to go to school? And are any other werewolves expected to be grateful enough to put themselves in danger with those wolves who follow Voldemort?"

It was talking about the callous use of his pack which had Moony howling inside Remus, and Severus fell back a step.

"You are right, Severus" said Lupin. "I've let him usurp James' alpha position."

"You have, and you are going to have to transfer your pack loyalty to Vernon, Petunia, Dudley and me as well as to Harry if you expect us to permit you to run with our pack," said Severus. He didn't like werewolves but because of that he had gone out of his way to learn about them.

"I would be glad to be part of your pack," said Remus. "I've not had much joy of those packs who remain in England; those who want to be left alone usually flee to the continent."

"Then those who rise for Tom Riddle when he comes back can meet silver bullets," said Vernon. "I'm joining a gun club to be permitted a fowling piece; when the boys are old enough they can join too. As I understand it you don't have to have much silver in a werewolf to do the damage, so weapons the police would accept being kept properly in a locked box for sport shooting, which are highly unlikely to kill anyone in the normal way, will be quite sufficient."

"You are a very scary man, Vernon," said Remus.

"We're all scary men who are here to protect Harry," said Vernon.

Vernon bought number 2 Privet Drive as well, and knocked both houses into one, in order to have areas for a potion laboratory and room for guests. Severus was the technical owner of number 2 which permitted it to be linked to the floo network. It also meant that Harry could learn wandless controlled magic without fear of being in trouble from the Underage Magic office, and could practice during the holidays.

Petunia and Vernon decided to adopt so as not to alert Dumbledore about the wards, and made it a favour to pureblood families to take in squibs who would be reared in knowledge of the wizarding world, but able to function in the muggle world. Lissa Crabbe, Mafalda Higgs and Jerome Hopkirk were much relieved when they found out that they were to be loved members of a family, not treated either as slaves, or expected to hide their knowledge of magic. And Remus became a full time tutor teaching all the children runes, history and arithmancy. Severus insisted on teaching them potions at the weekends. They all went to muggle school as well.

Harry Dursley was not going to be at all what Dumbledore expected.

As to the horcruxes, the goblins had removed the cup from Bella's vault, been embarrassed by Sirius Black's maudlin reflections on his dead brother when they found one in his house, dealt with the ring in Little Hangleton at the same time as refurbishing and warding the Riddle House for the new owner, where it was currently serving as a classy wizarding hotel, run by some reassigned house elves Vernon had applied for. The elves had haggled him down to paying them one percent of the profits. As to the other horcruxes, they had delivered the knowledge that there was one in Hogwarts school and one in Malfoy Manor. Kreacher had claimed a bounty for the one in Malfoy Manor, and had bought a motorbike with the proceeds. Severus was still looking for the one in the school.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Harry was a trifle hyper when his Hogwarts letter arrived, and had to be given a stern dressing down by his aunt about the behaviour of a wizard from a noble and ancient house.

"I'll miss you, Harry," said Dudley.

"You'll still have the little ones," said Harry.

"I wish I was a wizard too, though."

"Dud, at least you can use runes and potions to do some things, and you know, one day, if we have to fight dark wizards because of some stupid prophecy, knowing that you will have my back in the holidays, and will turn up with a gun full of silver bullets inscribed with runes about the moon, makes me feel better about it. And the more squibs and siblings of the muggleborn we can subvert, the better."

Dudley nodded.

"We're Harry's secret army," he said, seriously.

Diagon Alley led to an encounter with a bushy-haired girl who was explaining loudly to her parents about Hogwarts, as she read from the book Hogwarts – a History.

Harry went up to her.

"Excuse me," he said, with a slight bow, "You are muggleborn?"

"Yes, it's so exciting, I've been looking forward to coming for almost a year, as my birthday is in September. Are you from a wizarding family? Have you seen real magic done? Do you have siblings at Hogwarts? Is it true that wizards can heal injuries with a flick of a wand? Do you wear robes all the time and don't you find them inconvenient?"

"Are you planning on making friends at school or driving people away from you?" asked Harry. He felt remorse at the hurt look on her face but it had to be done.

"What do you mean?" she snapped.

"How would you like it if I said to you 'what sort of things do you do as a muggle? Is it true that some muggles can actually read and reason? Do you really wear those scandalous clothes all the time and don't you find they attract perverts?"

"I'd say those were very rude questions," huffed the girl.

"Then perhaps you should think before you ask extremely rude questions of a wizard," said Harry.

"What do you mean? I just wanted to know."

"Well, a pure blood wizard who has no knowledge of the muggle world might ask you those questions I suggested just wanting to know. And he would have no idea he was being rude, as you have no idea you are being rude. My mum was muggleborn and she was lucky to have a halfblood friend to tell her things, but as you're in the wizarding world, you need to adapt to it, and to moderate your way of speaking."

"Why?"

"Ever been abroad?"

"Yes, we go to France quite a lot."

"Would you consider asking a French family if they really eat snails and don't they find them horrid?" asked Harry.

"No, of course not; it's a different culture."

"And the wizarding world is also a different culture, Miss ...?"

"Granger, Hermione Granger."

"Harry Dursley. And believe me, I know there are those people who will pick on you and bully you for being muggleborn. Come with me; I'm going to pick you two more books which will enable you to understand the different culture, archaic as it is, of the wizarding world. If you want to change the world, you have to survive to grow up in it and use its own rules to do so."

Hermione Granger was gobsmacked. She meekly took the two books Harry handed to her and went back to her parents, who were also gobsmacked. Nobody had ever talked Hermione to a standstill before.

Hermione managed to eavesdrop on the black haired boy who had accosted her, talking to his blond friend. She had no idea she was meant to overhear.

"That poor kid has had almost a year to find out about the wizarding world, and nobody has explained to her that the wizarding world is like another country! And she'll have been doing accidental magic for at least three years, Uncle Vernon is quite right, Dumbledore is as much a part of the conspiracy to keep muggleborns in their so-called place as any other pureblood, whatever he preaches. I bet she hasn't even been told that you have to write with quills when writing out spells because of the organic nature of the medium, but that there's nothing wrong with taking notes on Woolworth's note pads with biros, well, unless chizpurfles kill the biros a little bit."

"Yeah, but anyone with any sense avoids kids whose familiars have chizpurfles, remember what they did to the telly when Arabella Figg's ruddy kneazle got infected and marched in to our house!"

"Mind, it was pretty funny when Darth Vader started scratching before the TV blew up," said Harry.

"Yeah, I never knew chizpurfles could actually affect video as well," said Dudley. "That was pretty awesome but I thought Dad was going to have conniptions over having to replace the boxed set."

"Oh well, he got the director's cut as a replacement, and those shots of Mos Eisley were well worth it," said Harry, who had more or less forgotten Hermione now, beyond vaguely hoping she had taken his words to heart.

Vernon and Theodore Greengrasse and Frank Longbottom were finalising the betrothal arrangements; and Harry's name on the agreement was Henry James Potter Dursley, which is to say the name on the official paper handed to the newspaper for publication would be Henry Dursley. Severus had been able to confirm that Albus Dumbledore had forgotten Petunia's married name, and that he was pretty certain it was a genuine slip since he had been going on about Harry being due to come this year, emphasising once again, with that irritating twinkle of his, how Harry Potter was his mother's child as much as his father's and that he was unlikely to be spoilt with his muggle relatives the Doolittles. Whether this was because the headmaster genuinely did not care what was happening with Harry, and had forgotten the Dursleys' name, or whether it was anything to do with the mild notice-me-not charms aimed at wizards that Severus had placed runically on the property, to prevent too much interest, Severus was not sure. He was fairly sure the headmaster was not pretending.

Doubtless he did not care.

And as he would be busy with the start of term, the headmaster might not even notice the publishing of the betrothal.

He had not cared enough to check on Harry over the past ten years, beyond buying a house for the squib, Arabella Figg, a rather crazy cat lady whom Petunia overwhelmed with home baking, liberally laced with forgetfulness draughts when any of Harry's wizarding friends were visiting.

Neville, Harry and Daphne went to get their school robes while their parents were sorting out business of betrothal formalities, and came face to face with an altercation.

One of the halves of the altercation was red-haired and red faced, screaming at the other half of the altercation, which was very blond and pointy-chinned.

"Heir Malfoy! Scion Weasley! Have neither of you any manners?" snapped Daphne.

They both turned and goggled at her.

"This is a public place and you are displaying your family for all and sundry," said Harry, coldly. "It is plain to see why neither family is either noble or ancient. My lady, Heir Longbottom, let us return later when the riff-raff have gone."

They found an alley in which to collapse in laughter.

"That was funny," said Daphne. "Malfoy was catching flies quite as much as the Weasley boy."

"I wasn't impressed by either," said Harry.

"Some of the older Weasleys are decent," said Neville.

"I'll take your word on that, Nev; but that one has no manners at all."

Nobody would recognise Harry as Harry Potter. The scar was gone, and so was James Potter's messy hair. Petunia had sat Harry down and talked to him about it, and they had tried long hair like Severus, and a crew cut like Dudley. Harry had finally found the style he wanted on television, when a notorious protestor known as 'Swampy' was occupying some site to prevent building there. He currently sported a crew-cut front to his hair, with a respectable pony tail behind. He had also talked Petunia into letting him get his ears pierced, having bargained her down from nipple, nose and lip piercings. His ear studs, shaped like wolf heads, were portkeys, one home and one to St Mungo's. He had no idea how enviously the Weasley boy had stared at such rebellious face furniture and hairstyle.

They were operated by very muggle phrases; 'Home, James' and 'Beam me up, Scottie.'

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Albus, I've not had a reply from Harry Potter," fussed Minerva. "I've sent several owls, but they've all returned. Should I go and visit?"

"No, no, no need for you to do that, I'll send Hagrid," said Dumbledore.

"Hagrid? He's a nice man, but apart from being ... limited ... don't you think he'd be rather intimidating?"

Albus twinkled.

"Well, if the Muggles are keeping Harry's mail from him, that's perhaps all to the good."

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Lissa Dursley opened the door to the biggest man she had ever seen.

"Hello?" she said, uncertainly.

"Oh, hello, miss," said Hagrid. "I wonder if I've got the right address? This is four Privet Drive, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Lissa.

Hagrid scratched his chin, noisily.

"Oh," he said. "Are you visiting?"

"No, I live here. Are you selling something?"

"No, Miss, I've come to see Harry Potter."

Lissa blinked.

"Sorry, you have got the wrong address," she said. "I wonder if there's a Privet Drive in Greater Whingeing?"

"I was sure this is where I brought Harry as a baby and lef' him on the doorstep," said Hagrid.

"Mummy!" screamed Lissa, "There's a weirdo at the door who says he leaves babies on the doorstep, phone the police!"

Petunia bounced out of the kitchen.

"In you go, Lissa, pet, and phone the police and tell them about it," she said. "You leave my daughter alone, you pervert!" and she shook her broom at Hagrid.

"Now, there ain't no need to get upset," said Hagrid.

"No need to get upset? With you threatening to rape my ten year old daughter? You pervert! You should be locked up!"

"But I never ..." Hagrid was nonplussed. "I said I left Harry Potter on the doorstep."

"Oh, in the habit of child endangerment and leaving children in stupid places? I know what you are, you're mental," said Petunia, who was greatly enjoying herself. She owed Hagrid a few scores for endangering her Harry.

It took Dumbledore several days to track down Hagrid, obliviate a station full of coppers, and retrieve his groundsman.

When he questioned Arabella Figg she went on about how nice the family in number 4 were, three sons and two daughters, and such nice obliging children, always ready to help her out. Dumbledore knew fine well that Petunia would never have any more children while the wards were in place, and was left wondering how on earth the muggles had moved away without triggering the wards.

Severus was able to report all this back at some length, between laughter, having had Albus animadverting at length in the staff room.

"Sev, mate, that was wonderful," laughed Sirius.

"Yes, and I brought Lissa some Honeydukes chocolates for her part in it," said Severus.

"Worthy of a Marauder, Petunia, calling poor old Hagrid a pervert," said Sirius. "Unfortunately, staunch friend as he is, he believes in the almighty Albus Dumbledore, and his mighty works, and is not clever enough to understand proof to the contrary, let alone believe it.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Minerva McGonagall knocked sharply on the door of number 4, Privet Drive. It was opened by a small child the size of an eight-year-old, with spiked black hair, and a t-shirt depicting a rather ferocious looking skull in some kind of head gear and the legend 'Iron Maiden'. Minerva was taken aback. Was it some kind of muggle punishment to make a child wear clothing which suggested ancient medieval torture devices?

Mafalda regarded the witch.

"Thanks, we have enough pegs, but here's some money for your effort, gypsy lady," she said, reaching into her pocket for a handful of coins. She shut the door leaving Minerva staring at the coins in her hand, speechless.

Minerva knocked again.

Mafalda opened the door again.

"Sorry, did you want something else? I thought you were just begging, because you were dressed a bit oddly," she said.

"Harry?" said Minerva, unable to gauge the sex of a muggle child in jeans and a t-shirt. If Harry were being ill-treated, he would be small for his age.

"Aww, poor lady, have you lost someone?" said Mafalda. "Daddy will drive you to the hospital, and they'll help you."

"I'm looking for Harry Potter," said Minerva, trying to be crisp.

Mafalda shook her head.

"Sorry, you've got the wrong place," she said.

"How long have you lived here?" asked Minerva.

"Forever," said Mafalda, with a fishy look. She refused to even acknowledge her life before.

"What is it, sweetie?" asked Petunia, coming into the hall. "Oh, dear, I can get you a glass of water if you like, and a pie, if you're hungry?" she said, looking at Minerva's carefully assembled and entirely inappropriate muggle garb.

"Why do you and your daughter keep assuming I'm a beggar?" snapped McGonagall.

"Well, your clothes ..." said Petunia. "Without wanting to be rude, you do look like a bag lady."

"I am no' a bag lady," said Minerva. "I'm Minerva McGonagall, and I teach at Hogwarts School."

"Oh! Where my son is going," said Petunia.

"Your ... son?"

"Yes, he's starting in September, we've been very excited, getting him his kit in Diagon Alley. Do come in, if you'd only said you were a witch, the inability to blend in with the muggle world would have been quite plain. Children! Children! Come and say hello to Hal's teacher."

There was a thunderous roar of various feet down the stairs. Naturally, sneakoscopes had been being put to good use. Albus Dumbledore's frustration was better than a play. Minerva was ushered into the parlour, and almost fainted to see Remus Lupin.

"Oh hello, Minerva," said Remus.

"Remus! What are you doing here?" demanded Minerva.

"Vernon and Tuney hired me to tutor Hal," said Remus.

"That's me," said Harry, beaming. "It's a real shame Dudley can't come too, he's awfully disappointed about it, but I'll send him home all my lesson notes, in case he's a late developer or something."

"I don't believe it happens," said Minerva, staring at the disparate children. They all stared back. This was most unnerving for a cat. Minerva got out a comb and sorted out her hair. She did not notice Dudley and Harry high-five each other for getting Pussy to groom.

"What can we do for you, Minerva?" asked Remus.

"I was concerned that Harry Potter has not written back to accept his place, and this was his last known place of abode," said Minerva.

Petunia looked puzzled.

"That peculiar big fellow we had to have arrested for frightening Lissa said something about Harry Potter too. What makes you think this is his last place of abode?"

"Well, when Hagrid brought him here, Albus placed him on the doorstep, on November 1st 1981," said Minerva.

Petunia raised her eyebrows.

"Excuse me, Mrs. ... McGonagall, wasn't it? Placed him on the doorstep? What exactly do you mean by that?"

"Er..." McGonagall look flustered. "I told him at the time, it was a bad idea to leave a fifteen month baby on a doorstep in November!" she said.

"You did what? And who is this 'Albus'? because I'll be reporting every word of this conversation to the police about an abuser who would leave a baby on a doorstep in Novermber – and his accomplice," said Petunia, coldly.

"Albus Dumbledore, head of Hogwarts."

"Muuuum," whined Harry, playing up, "I don't wanna go to a school full of perverts and abusers, can't I go to Durmstrang instead? Their brochure looked wicked!"

"I have to say I am beginning to wonder," said Petunia. "The letter from Hogwarts said nothing about the teachers being abusive."

"We are no' abusive!" mewed Minerva.

"Excuse me, you think it's perfectly fine to abandon a toddler old enough to wander off on a doorstep and you say you are not abusers?" demanded Petunia. "My husband is going to throw a fit, that poor child would have been about the same age as my precious twins."

Minerva was staring at Harry.

"You are Harry Potter," she said.

"I'm Harry Dursley," said Harry. "And you're one of the abusers who thought it was ok to leave a toddler on the doorstep like a bottle of milk, even after having expressed the view that the muggles on whose doorstep that toddler was left were not suitable. Isn't it fortunate that you were wrong about my parents? Because they have been my parents, and I choose to call them Mum and Dad."

"Oh, Harry!" Petunia's eyes filled with tears.

Moony howled a little in Remus' chest, but he could not deny that Vernon and Petunia had been very good parents to the cub. And the pack takes care of its own and raises orphaned cubs.

Harry stared at Minerva with Lily's eyes. It broke her apart as much as it had broken Severus.

"I want an unbreakable vow, Madam McGonagall, that you will not tell Albus Abuser Dumbledore that I am Henry James Potter Dursley before I am ready for him to know," said Harry. "Otherwise, so help me, I shall go to Durmstrang, and I'll take my betrothed and my godbrother with me. Uncle Frank wasn't best pleased to learn how Dumbledore decided to dispose of the fate of his wife's godson. And Ted Greengrasse wasn't happy to know that Dumbledore essentially tried to break a house alliance by removing the last heir to a place where alliances could not be discussed. It's almost line theft."

McGonagall caved.

"I dinna ken whit the headmaster has planned, but he's setting up some fool maze run supposedly tae trap an agent o' He-who-must-not-be-named, but aimed mair at the likes o' eleven year olds," she said. "I've aye trusted him, but I cannae like that he thought muggles who didnae like magic constituted 'toughening up'."

"He wanted my boy beaten out of fear of magic every time he did accidental magic," said Petunia. "Groomed. Do you know that word?"

Minerva shook her head.

Petunia went on,

"It's a word usually used for sexual abusers, who get their little victims trained into a habit of obedience, and keeping silence, before they go the whole way, first off enticing them. He's been planning to groom Harry for something, and is hoping that a little boy, starved of affection, will turn to a grandfather-figure, and do exactly what is suggested of him."

"I found out what it is he wants Harry to do, and you younger ones have holiday assignments so scoot!" said Severus, coming into the room.

"Severus?" Minerva went bug eyed.

"Do you think Tuney wouldn't appeal to help to any old friends of Lily's?" sneered Severus. "The headmaster discovered that I have been searching for a horcrux in Hogwarts; he cornered me, so I had to tell him. He believes that Harry's horcrux could only be got rid of by having Tom Riddle, Voldemort to you, Minnie, casting Avada Kedavra at him to kill it."

"He's senile," said Petunia.

"Harry is a ... if that is what I think it is ..." Minerva put her hand to her rapidly beating heart.

"Harry _had_ a horcrux in his scar," said Severus. "Look, no scar. We went to the goblins, something Albus is too arrogant to consider. They've been destroying horcruxes over the last ten years. There are two left. One somewhere in Hogwarts, and one on the continent."

"Merlin, how many did he make?" gasped Minerva.

"Seven," said Severus. "Now, about that unbreakable vow; I'll act as your binder, Harry, lad.

Minerva found herself being bound in an unbreakable vow that Harry's secret was her secret, not to be revealed without his permission.

She went back to Hogwarts.

"Lovely muggle family there, but nobody named Harry Potter," she said. "One of the oldest children is coming to Hogwarts, however, a lad named Henry."

"Well where is Harry!" the multiple toys and devices on the headmaster's desk quivered from his anger.

"Dear me, headmaster, would you say it was right to obliviate people whom I had told about leaving the boy on the doorstep when they wanted to involve the police over child abuse, and send their boy to the other school they have heard of, Durmstrang?" asked Minerva.

"They couldn't if he's muggleborn," said Dumbledore. "What do you mean, child abuse?"

"Weell, in the muggle world it would be a crime to leave a baby on a doorstep," said Minerva. "They suggested that if he was as old as fifteen months, he might have just wandered awa'."

Albus paled.

"Surely not! Besides, the wards would have shown ..."

"If your wards are accurate, Albus," said Minerva. "Now of course, he might have done accidental magic, if he was cold, wanting a fur coat, and he might be a cat, or a rat that nobody is aware is an animagus."

"Well did you check?"

"Albus, I could scarcely demand to see all their pets or ask to look under the floorboards for stray rats, could I?" said Minerva.

"Why not?"

"Albus, do you think you ought to go to St Mungo's?"

"What? Why?"

"Well if you have to ask why you can't behave like that, I'm thinking ye should aye be in the Janus Thickey ward for the incurably insane," said Minerva. She swept out, leaving Albus wondering what she meant.

Albus took himself to Privet Drive, and remembered he had pressing business in his office, as well as a full bladder.

Severus had been particularly proud of that rune set, which Dudley had helped with and made the suggestion about the full bladder.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Daphne, Neville and Harry grabbed a compartment together, and after a moment's hesitation, Harry called out to the lone figure of Hermione,

"Miss Granger! Would you like to join us?"

Hermione hesitated, blushed, and joined them at a run. Harry and Neville stowed her trunk.

"Miss Granger, may I introduce my godbrother, Heir Longbottom, and my betrothed, Heir Greengrasse."

"B ... betrothed?" Hermione wanted to spill over with questions, but she had received a sharp lesson from Harry before.

"Well done, Miss Granger for a most ladylike containment of your natural curiosity," said Harry. "And so I'll explain fully. Miss Greengrasse comes from a noble and ancient family traditionally seen as 'grey' or one which does not pick sides. Traditionally, dark did not mean evil, or followers of Tom Riddle, otherwise known as Voldemort, but merely families of very traditional nature, who relied more on ancient magics used by the druids, and designated 'dark' in more recent times. I'm not going to debate the wrongs and rights of the designation because I don't know enough. However, recently, the 'dark' families have tended to side with the more obvious dark wizard in society, and the 'grey' families come under pressure. Remaining neutral helps maintain the traditional economic flow of those families, and in the past has been a way to broker settlements over arguments, and settle feuds. Are you with me so far?"

"Yes, thank you, you have made the position of the different shades much clearer than they are in any of the books I could find," said Hermione.

"Books, especially history books, are written by the winner, and don't always tell all the truth," said Harry.

Hermione gasped.

"But surely if it's in a book it must be true?"

"Hermione, you know about the second world war. You know that Japan joined the war by attacking the American base, Pearl Harbour. You probably know that a declaration of war was supposed to be issued before the attack, but things went wrong. Yes?"

"Yes, I've watched 'Tora! Tora! Tora!" with my dad.

"Good. Now in Japanese schools, all the text books say that the Americans started the war. They have written out of history the atrocities committed in China. Do those books tell the truth?"

"But ... no, of course not! But this is England!"

"And who, if anyone, killed the little princes in the tower is a matter of dates and who is writing the history," said Harry.

"I ... I suppose so," huffed Hermione. "But I thought that was medieval posturing!"

Harry laughed.

"Medieval posturing goes on in the real world today, in the muggle world and the magical. Look at the drivel written about Harry Potter – and that's after his legal representatives made the writers of some of the worst nonsense put the word 'fiction' on the outside and donate half their royalties to wizarding orphanages, because they were exploiting an orphan without permission. The wizarding world has fewer checks and balances than the muggle world and very little on the statute books about slander, unless your family is both rich and well-connected."

"It did seem strange that a baby might defeat a powerful wizard," said Hermione.

"Allelujah, you've got it. It's not strange, it's impossible," said Harry. "It was the ancient, and if you will, dark magic of Lily Evans Potter which enabled Lily Potter to give her sacrificial death energy to protect her baby. And so Tom Riddle was defeated by essentially dark magic used to save a life. I enjoy the exquisite irony of that."

"You have been hanging around Uncle Sev too much again, using all those long words," said Neville.

"I like long words," said Harry. "Now, to get back to betrothals. Lord Theodore Greengrasse found himself in an uncomfortable position. He has daughters, but he needs a male heir. His daughters have to marry someone who will accommodate them with a son who will take their name. Lord Greengrasse does not want this to be a Malfoy or any other really dark family. So he approached our familial alliance. I am betrothed to Daphne and Neville is betrothed to her little sister. This protects them from being moved in on by other families. And the wording is such that if they meet someone they prefer to marry, there are no penalties. It's a way of giving them protection through school, to make sure someone like Draco Malfoy does not rape Daphne, and claim her offspring as his in order to claim her family name and holdings. Because if he even tries, legally, I can kill him."

"It's all rather medieval," ventured Hermione.

"Yes," said Harry. "Live with it; until you're old enough to help me fight against it and change it."

Hermione stared.

"I didn't find a Dursley in the genealogies," she said, hesitantly.

"On your honour and magic you will keep a secret until I am ready to reveal it?" asked Harry.

"On my honour and my magic," said Hermione, and a brief, golden glow lit her up.

"My full name is Henry, known as Harry, James Potter Dursley, and my Aunt and Uncle Dursley adopted me," said Harry. "And now I know you're amenable to reason and logic, I can tell you that, so we can let you in on how Albus Dumbledore has accidentally become a Dark Lord."

Hermione had a lot to take on board.

This started a the discussion of how the path to Hell is paved with good intentions, and how a fall from the light side to the dark is taken with small bad decisions. Star Wars came in very handy as an analogy.

"And Dumbledore wants to get his hands on Harry Potter, and say, "Luke, I am your father. Sacrifice yourself for me and I will rule the Empire together," said Harry, bitterly.

The carriage door opened.

Malfoy was there, flanked by a pair of gorillas.

"Harry Potter in here?" he asked.

"You can see," said Neville, waving a hand.

"I'm Harry Potter!" said Daphne, who had been exposed to Muggle film clichés when staying with the Dursleys.

"No, I'm Harry Potter!" declared Hermione.

"You're both girls," said Vincent Crabbe.

"My goodness, Heir Crabbe, you can speak without Malfoy's hand up your backside!" said Daphne, relieved that she could not now be betrothed to either Crabbe or Goyle. "And reason out that we are girls, however, not enough brainpower there to work out our sarcasm."

"Um ..." said Crabbe.

"Heir Crabbe, a private word," said Harry. "Your cohorts can go."

"Wot?" said Vince.

"I told Heir Malfoy and Heir Goyle to leave," said Harry. "Goodbye." He and Neville grinned at each other and joined in producing a wind to blow those two out of the door and slam it shut.

"Wot you going to do to me?" asked Crabbe.

"I was going to give you something," said Harry. "I know you were fond of Lissa."

"Wot do you know about Lissa?"

"My parents adopted her and she's learning arithmancy and runes and potions, which she can manage, as well as going to a muggle school" said Harry, passing over a small, muggle photo album of pictures of Lissa.

"They don't move," said Crabbe.

"Sorry, we had to take muggle pictures until I was at school," said Harry. "She's a smart kid."

"Yeah, she takes after me mam," said Crabbe, almost crying. "What do you want in exchange?"

"The gift is unconditional," said Harry. "I'm not asking anything in exchange. But perhaps you should be asking if Malfoy would have arranged to have her looked after, and think about who your friends are."

Crabbe plopped himself down beside Harry.

"Ain't no bloody contest; you're hugging my sister like she was your sister," he said. "Couldn't see Malfoy doin' that."

"Er ... I'm lost?" said Hermione.

"My sister's a squib," said Crabbe. "Lord Greengrasse brokered an adoption for her so my da wouldn't be shamed by her but she's still my sister, innit?"

"She's still your sister, Vince, and if you want to write to her, I'll pop your letters in with mine," said Harry. "She speaks about you."

"Yeah? Awesome," said Vince, grinning all over his face.

Well, that was the future head of a minor but still useful family suborned to the Potter-Longbottom-Greengrasse alliance. And Crabbe's mother was Goyle's mother's sister, so maybe Goyle would turn away from blind obedience to the Malfoy puppetmasters as well.

Between Malfoy and Dumbledore, even without taking Voldemort into account, life was going to a lot of juggling, thought Harry.

But better to juggle with his own sets of strings than be jerked by any one of them.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Firs' years this way!" boomed Hagrid. "Hev we got Harry Potter?"

"She's Harry Potter, she's been transfigured," said Gregory Goyle, pointing at Hermione. He had never been exposed to muggle film clichés.

Hagrid looked at Hermione worriedly.

"Harry?" he said.

"Oh, honestly, I was teasing him," said Hermione. "I'm no more Harry Potter than you are ...sir."

"Oh, I ain't sir I'm Hagrid," said Hagrid. "No Harry Potter? Oh dear."

"Maybe the chap has gone to a different school," said a handsome lad with a voice that came straight out of Boy's Own.

"I wouldn't have thought ... oh dear," said Hagrid.

"Who is this Harry Potter character?" asked the boy with the voice of one of his fellows.

"He's famous," said the other, shortly.

"What for?"

"For not being dead, now hush Finch-Fletchley."

"None of us are dead, MacMillan, I fail to see why it is a matter of fame."

"His mother sacrificed her life, Much-Poshly, and used old magics to mean that he was not killed by the killing curse. It's made some people silly about the unfortunate orphan," said Harry.

"Oh, right. Thanks. And I sort of rather like the nickname; who am I addressing?"

"Harry Dursley," said Harry.

"Hairstyle is like Swampy," said Finch-Fletchley.

"Yes, I saw it on TV and I thought it was wicked," said Harry.

"Swampy then for Much-Poshly?"

"Suits me," said Harry.

"Well, I'm glad you're not mesmerised by the myth of Harry Potter, Dursley," said Macmillan. "Personally I expect he will arrive late to make a scene and an entrance to show off. Plainly his mother's family will have made a little prince of him in their vulgar way."

"And why is his mother's family vulgar, Scion Macmillan?" asked Neville.

"Well, they're muggles," said Macmillan. "What else are they going to be?"

"Shows what he thinks of our relatives, eh, Much-Poshly?" said Harry. He gave a nod to Neville; this would not be a family to permit to be in the alliance.

"Yes. And to think I was considering going into the house he considers his own," said Justin, with dislike.

"Oh, well, join us; we're all hoping for Slytherin," said Harry. "House of the ambitious and cunning."

"No way are we going to have mudbloods ...oooop!" Malfoy choked on a mouthful of soapsuds.

"What an idiot you are," said Harry. "Plenty of muggleborn have been through House Slytherin, as well as halfbloods like me. Like Uncle Severus."

Malfoy stared and gulped, soapily.

It wasn't fair; Severus Snape was his godfather, who else was calling him Uncle Severus?

Fortunately for Draco, Hagrid hustled people into fours to cross the lake, goggling at the beautiful spectacle of it reflected in the dark waters.

And then they were waiting to be sorted.

Vincent Crabbe went into Slytherin more or less by default.

Harry, as Dursley, was up before the rest of his friends.

" _I solemnly swear I am up to no good_ " he thought at the hat.

" _Oh no, not another one_ ," said the hat.

" _We both know the headmaster is going dark. I only want to prank him by confusing his expectations and helping some people to be happier than they would be if they went with family expectations or his,"_ said Harry.

" _Talk very fast,"_ said the hat.

" _Goyle, Crabbe and Malfoy should be separated if only because it will stop Malfoy being such a ruddy bully"_ said Harry. " _And Crabbe is already in Slytherin because I didn't get at him in time to think of being elsewhere. If you send me there though, I can protect him. Goyle would do better in Hufflepuff; Uncle Sev says they help the slower learners there. And really, what is Malfoy but a Gryffindor? He's the least Slytherin of all people I've ever met."_

" _You have some good points. I will consider them, and I will sort according to my own criteria. Which is where people will do most good, and where they will be done most good."_

" _Thanks."_

"Better be Slytherin!" said the hat, out loud.

Justin Finch-Fletchley soon joined him.

Goyle went into Hufflepuff, with a look of confusion; Daphne and Hermione joined Harry in Slytherin, and Daphne introduced Hermione to Tracey Davis. Neville went into Slytherin, to the obvious shock of all the staff, and Malfoy was sent, bemused and a trifle worried, into Ravenclaw.

Ronald Weasley was the one who set up a protest when he found himself in Hufflepuff. And the headmaster was standing, peering around, looking for Harry Potter, as if somehow he might be hiding in someone's pocket, thought Harry, whimsically. The headmaster had peered closely at him when he had been called up as Harry, but with a near skinhead cut on the top, the lack of scar was quite obvious. Harry ran his hand over the stubble; it made keeping his hair nice much easier, even after the fumes from making potions, as he enclosed his ponytail in a kind of bubblehead charm.

Liking to look nice was only vanity if it transcended anything else, and he had a betrothed here to live up to.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Miss Granger," Severus pinched the bridge of his nose as Hermione's arm waved in potions class. "The point of a professor asking questions in class is to check who knows the answer. I know fine well that you are in a study group with Miss Greengrasse, Miss Davis, Messrs. Dursley, Much-Poshly and Longbottom. And Mr. Crabbe, who is, I'm sure, very grateful for that. Since I am assured by those of that group whom I know well that the group is keeping well ahead, I don't need to know that you know the answer; I know that you know the answer. Please permit others to have a try, so that they may attempt to live up to your moderately high standards. I suspect that you would find that other professors feel the same, but because I am your head of house, and therefore family, I can be blunt to you."

Hermione blinked hard.

"I'm sorry, professor."

"There is no need for apology, because nobody has bothered to explain to you before. Like nobody has explained to you about essay length."

Hermione was feeling very small; her essay had been measured, and a comment written after a red line,

"In future I will not mark any more than 10% over the length I set, and if that is only the preamble not the meat, so be it. You are here to learn how to give an answer, not pad out the answer to become a novel. Learn to be concise. If you do not know how to be concise, see me, and I will give you remedial lessons."

Remedial lessons! Hermione Granger had never needed remedial lessons on anything. But ... she had never had friends before either, and having friends was heady.

After the lesson, she approached the professor.

"Please, sir, I'd like to schedule those remedial lessons," she said, in a small voice.

He raised her chin firmly with a finger to look her in the eyes.

"Miss Granger," he said, gently, "You are not supposed to look on school as a competition, nor to come to every lesson ready to pass the end of year exam. You are here to learn. I expect reading ahead, and I expect those who fail to understand what they have read to ask me. Not understanding is acceptable. Not asking about not understanding is what is unacceptable. Knowing an answer is good. Understanding why the answer is what it may be is better. Why do you treat your lessons as a competition even with your professors?"

Hermione burst into tears, and Severus sighed, and conjured a couple of soft chairs and manoeuvred her into one. The lions he loved to terrorise would faint in shock that he could be very gentle with his own snakes, and had even had small boys and girls of eleven sat on his lap leaking tears, snot, and sometimes vomit or blood onto his pristine robes from combinations of homesickness and illness or being bullied. Being a father to his house was not always easy with so many damaged children from dark houses.

"I never had any friends before, and I love books and learning and being top of the class is a compensation for not having friends," Granger burst out.

"Very good. You have identified the problem," said Severus. "You've used your competitive nature as a substitute for friends, because hitherto you've been surrounded by even more crockbrained dunderheads than even Gryffindors can manage. Don't suppress the giggle, I might be a snarky greasy git, but as your house head, I'm your snarky greasy git, and I'm allowed to make you laugh and feel better. Believe it or not, I spent most of my time at Hogwarts in a similar situation to yours in primary school as my best and only real friend was in another house. There's nothing wrong with being top of the class, and it's good for Harry to have to work. He slacks if given half a chance, but he doesn't like being below you and Miss Greengrasse. Mr. Longbottom does it the Hufflepuff way, with sheer hard work, and Mr. Crabbe is doing his best to pull up his game, largely thanks to you; thank you. He doesn't have an easy home life. But don't let a preoccupation with work make your friends resent you; let Vince have a chance to show off if he knows an answer, and Tracey and Neville."

"I hadn't thought of it that way, sir."

"I know. And I know the hurtful things the Weasley boy said at Halloween and unofficially I know that Neville and Harry cleaned his clock for him. Now you can come to me after school every day, as soon as you have the notes for the essays you have to write for every subject, and I'll go through them with you, and show you how to make an introduction which covers the points concisely, how to lay out your main argument, and how to draw a concise, to the point conclusion, without any irrelevancies or waffle. To your credit, you don't waffle, but you do let yourself get sidetracked by side issues, which you should note in your notebook to follow up later, but which have no place in an essay. Am I keeping you from a lesson?"

"No, sir they're flying. I ... I get height sick."

"Well, that's something to address later, but the essay problem is the immediate one. Let me duplicate your essay, and I will go through the duplicate with you, using my red pen, which is a biro, and I will put squares around good points, and ovals around irrelevancies. I am going to then start to ask you as we go through which is which."

"Thank you, sir."

Severus smirked to himself a week later when Minerva commented that the Granger girl had suddenly discovered what concise and relevant was. Hermione Granger was a fast study when someone actually bothered to explain anything to her, and had managed to correct Draco Malfoy on a matter of etiquette.

She was a good protégé for Harry.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Albus was frustrated. A number of students had investigated Fluffy's domain, but not Neville Longbottom or any other first year who might be Harry Potter. He had investigated Greg Goyle's assertion that Hermione Granger had claimed to be Harry Potter, and had been told by Minerva not to be so ridiculous.

And now he had Amelia Bones and a representative of the Beast division in his office.

"We have received a report, Headmaster, that you are keeping a class five creature in conditions of great cruelty, contrary to its nature," said Amelia. "To wit, a Cerberus, chained up in a room barely large enough for it to turn around in, and in the dark. Rubeus Hagrid has confirmed this, and that the said Cerberus is his pet, which you have ordered him to treat in this fashion. Would you like to give me some kind of explanation?"

Damn Hagrid and his trusting nature!

"I ... I was asked to guard something for a limited time and I borrowed Fluffy."

"You borrowed a Cerberus to place in a school full of children."

"The door is locked."

"And alohamora is a first year spell. What were you thinking, Dumbledore? And my niece tells me there was a troll loose in the school at Halloween, and that there is something killing unicorns and someone convinced Hagrid into thinking that a detention searching for such evil was a good idea?"

"I ... er, in retrospect, and knowing that there was something really evil in the forest it was not a good idea," ground out Dumbledore. He had been certain that the Potter boy, however he was concealed, would use the Weasleys to get onto the platform, and wherever the Weasley boy was, the Potter boy must be as well. Weasley had freaked out when in detention and had squealed to Susan Bones.

"Well, we have discovered that as well as your unicorn killer, there is a nest of acromantulas in the forest, and that is being dealt with," said Amelia Bones. "And I have a team removing the Cerberus from its confinement, and will be discussing with Hagrid whether he can keep the creature under control. As the control of Cerberuses is relatively easy I do not think the poor creature will have to be destroyed, unless it shows signs of having been driven insane by its confinement. Oh and I understand you also permitted the raising of a dragon egg, which it is illegal to trade."

"Ah, that was in consultation with the dragon reserve in Romania, when Hagrid heard of someone illegally trading it," said Dumbledore.

"Hagrid was under the impression he was going to rear a Hungarian Horntail himself," said Amelia, dryly, "But at least that has been disposed of safely. For goodness sake, Dumbledore, why can't you guard precious things in your safe like everyone else does? I've been hearing whispers that you've lost the plot, and I'm beginning to believe them."

"It's because Voldemort is going to be coming back," said Dumbledore.

"And that was the business of a schoolmaster why?" asked Amelia. "That's the business of the DMLE, and if you have any information concerning why you believe he is coming back and are withholding that from the DMLE, I'm going to have to arrest you on suspicion of being a Death Eater in hiding information from me."

"Amelia, may I remind you that I am chief warlock as well as being headmaster, and Supreme Mugwump ..."

"I don't care, Dumbledore; you have no business bringing Wizengamot business into a school, any more than I would expect you to spend your time sitting at a trial to mark papers. And whatever other hats you wear, any information about the terrorist Voldemort is my business, not yours."

"My dear Amelia, you could never handle the level of evil which Voldemort wields, it would damage your soul to even know."

"Then by that criterion, your soul is so badly damaged that you are indeed a dark lord yourself."

"Amelia! You cannot suggest such a thing!"

"The suggestion has been made by one of your students."

"I cannot think who would be so malicious."

"I cannot see that alerting us to the state of your damaged soul is that malicious," said Amelia. "You're under arrest. Oh, and I also have an order for a joint expedition from Gringotts and the DMLE to search for a horcrux in the school. I appreciate that the hiding of that was not your idea, but I am given to understand that you have not been co-operative in seeking for it."

"Severus. That boy has been quite a disappointment; I wouldn't be surprised if he has returned to his dark master," said Dumbledore, viciously.

"Professor Snape has answered all our questions fully, and willingly submitted to a strip search for a dark mark, and has none, hidden or otherwise. I wonder if you can say the same?"

"I have never had a dark mark!"

"Good, then perhaps you will be more co-operative and tell me more."

"You seem to have heard of horcruxes already. Voldemort made several and they are all out there."

"You mean in addition to the five the goblins have already destroyed?"

Dumbledore stared.

"They ... they have destroyed five?"

"Yes, and they tell me there is one in Hogwarts, and one somewhere in Albania."

Dumbledore started.

"So that's where Harry Potter is! Voldemort lured him to Albania ready to possess him."

Amelia gave Dumbledore a pitying look.

"The horcrux in Harry Potter was one of the first ones to be destroyed; his uncle, like any caring family member, took him to a curse breaker."

"But how? The uncle is a muggle."

"Albus Dumbledore, did you know that the boy had a horcrux in him?"

"I suspected, yes."

"And without seeking aid from curse breakers, you left him on the doorstep of a muggle on one of the coldest nights of the year?"

"It seemed the best thing to do while I tried to find out how to deal with the horcrux in him."

"You have research proving your attempt to find out how to deal with it?"

"I ... I committed nothing to paper."

"Well, you are under arrest for numberless counts of child endangerment, not least that last, obstructing the DMLE in its proper duties, failure to report a serious crime, failure to report classified animals on properties you oversee, and mistreatment of animals. I've had a child in tears over the plight of that blasted Cerberus, and it's a well known fact that people who abuse animals usually go on to abuse humans as well. I consider you a dark lord, and that you have tried to kill Harry Potter by neglect because of a prophecy which fortells that he would be the one to defeat you."

"No! That was a prophecy about him defeating Voldemort!"

"It only says 'the dark lord'; and that could refer to you as much as to Voldemort. You are coming with me."

"Fawkes!"

Fawkes gave a shrill squawk which sounded like a raspberry, and flashed away.

"I'm not a dark lord ... am I?" whispered Dumbledore.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Quirrelmort? Once Fluffy was gone, Quirrelmort got mesmirised by the mirror of Erised, and was found, mummified, some weeks later when the DMLE got around to dealing with the rest of the stupid tests. The team led by Bill Weasley discovered the diadem, and then went on to find Nagini, who was then hosting Voldemort's consciousness. When Harry came out about who he was, most people were indifferent. He married Daphne, and had no idea who Ginevra Weasley was. Draco Malfoy shaped up and took care of his relative Luna Lovegood, and ultimately married her. Their children were beautiful, and to Luna's horror they were all incisive and full of business acumen. Hermione Granger went on to do Masteries in Charms and Potions, and after Severus Snape woke up handcuffed to her bed once she had equalled his record as one of the youngest Potions Masters ever, he gave in with more or less good grace to becoming Mr. Hermione Granger. Neville did not marry Astoria in the end, marrying Lissa Dursley, since there was no reason a squib could not produce perfectly good magical children, and the Longbottoms and Crabbes had not met on the family tree for a very long time. The Dursleys all but adopted Vince, who got on very well with Dudley, and eventually they moved in together, adopting several squibs.

Dumbledore never did understand why riding roughshod over other people was not very light. He served no time in Azkaban, but was remanded into the custody of the secure region of the Janus Thickey ward since he plainly had no understanding of the difference between good and evil.

As for the plans of changing society, this started naturally without a senile old coot in charge of young minds, preaching tolerance and practising prejudice through his very beliefs in redemption; for nobody can be redeemed by being forgiven all their sins without some kind of penance for them because all they see is that they have only to look woebegone and they will get away with murder.

The school board appointed Lord Black as headmaster, which might, in some respects have been a bad idea, in the light of Sirius' school record; but Sirius had learned some lessons, in light of the bad fright he had had in being briefly condemned to Azkaban without a trial, and helping to rear Harry and his siblings had given him a new perspective. He was strict but even-handed, enjoyed a funny prank which did not cause distress and in twenty years stepped deliberately away and passed on the headship to Penelope Clearwater-Weasley. It was starting to be acceptable for married witches to have jobs in their own right by then since the Snapes ran their apothecary business jointly, and Severus was as adept at dealing with nappies as Hermione. Daphne and Harry were both Unspeakables, True to Dursley form, one of their sons ran away with a goblin girl, and Harry and Ragnok worked together to cover up the scandal in publicising it as a great alliance brokered for the furtherance of tolerance between wizards and goblins. It might be said that Filius Flitwick was godfather to most of their children.

Change did not come overnight, but with a team dedicated to using the rules to change things gradually, the members of the extended Dursley family died knowing that things were fairer, and would continue to be so. Vernon and Petunia even got an obituary in the Daily Prophet.


End file.
